Time for Change - A Moment of Truth

I am in Thailand, on the beautiful island of Koh Lanta, for my second Life Design Retreat. I wanted to return to this camp as the previous year truly opened my eyes to the possibility of changing my life in a new direction for greater fulfilment - both workwise and geographically. The vision was there, but I was still full of doubts and hesitations about what I could and couldn’t do. Now I’m sitting here in a bamboo sala on the sunny beach with Jonas, who is the assistant coach at the camp.

Jonas could be my son age-wise, but we share a common background as entrepreneurs with businesses in the field of communication, with all its glories and tough challenges. He is incredibly smart and direct, but he also has a more philosophical and conscious approach, which I admire and even envy a little. Jonas is coaching me on how to find the courage to change my life and leave the business I had been running for twenty years. A lot of fear about money and not being able to provide for myself is coming up. I can feel the constriction in my whole body.

He keeps asking me the crucial question: “What is the worst that could happen?” We narrow it down, layer by layer. Finally, I tell him that I may end up totally broke and have to ask family and friends for financial help (God forbid!)… or even worse, becoming a homeless bag lady begging in the streets. And as the final answer came out of my mouth: “I may die.” Then something completely shifted in me and I became very calm. Death is not something I worry about, it doesn’t create fear in me, although I´m not ready to die yet. It was such an aha moment - it almost felt a bit religious. I can’t conquer death, and it can come at any moment. When it is meant to be, then it is. Exactly at that moment I dropped my pen and it fell through a gap in the floor into the sand. It was a promotional pen with the name of the pharmaceutical product for which I was acting brand manager. And in that instant, I knew deep inside that this was a point of no return.

It still took me some more years, and more revelations and aha moments, before the plan became reality. But a seed had definitely been planted. I kept watering and nourishing that seed, developing a plan that helped me take continuous steps towards that change - which in short was to live as a free spirit in a tropical paradise. There were a lot of practical things to sort out, and several setbacks, but the vision of the outcome became clearer and clearer.

What are the true motivators for change? According to Tony Robbins, who was my personal development guru for many years, the driving forces are either pleasure or pain. When the desire for the outcome becomes so strong that it outweighs the hardships and fear of pursuing it - or when the pain becomes too great to bear. For instance, when we leave a relationship or a job for something new, we are either running away from pain or moving toward something more desirable.

In my case, I believe it was a combination of both. Mostly, I wanted a new kind of life that could bring me freedom and independence, aliveness and fulfilment, ease and peace - and a warmer and more vibrant climate. At the same time, I wanted to escape the hardships and challenges of my work-life, but also the Western lifestyle that I felt had become more harsh, negative, narrow-minded, and judgmental.

People have asked me - and I have asked myself many times - if I was escaping from something or someone, but I wasn’t. If there was anyone I was running away from, it was myself. From the image I had built up and from other people’s perceptions of who I was. I felt caught in a stereotype that no longer matched who I was deep inside. As we grow and develop, the inner changes are not always visible on the outside, but many people want to keep us in the old, familiar box where they recognise us and feel safe. I can see that this was also a reason for me to move so far away and into something so different from my Swedish life and “the Swedish me”.

So what is it that prevents us from making the changes in life we are longing for? I would say that fear is always involved. And it can appear in many different forms: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of missing out, fear of regret and not being able to return, and more. And especially the strong fear of others’ opinions -  being judged and criticised by other people, not at least by those we love and care about the most. It takes a lot of courage and integrity to stand tall and firm in our decisions. Many amazing visions and plans have been spoiled or buried because of fear - our inner fears and doubts, and the outer fears projected onto us by others.

I have spent most of my life being somewhat of a “people pleaser.” Not that I didn’t have my own will, I usually followed it, but because I was very eager to be liked and loved by as many as possible. With age though, I have learned to quiet that anxious part of myself and stand up more and more for my beliefs and decisions. Most people admired my life change, but there were also those who had strong opinions, for instance that it was selfish to leave family and friends, especially my ninety-year-old mother. This was also my biggest concern, and it made me feel guilty, even if Mom fully understood and gave her support to my decision.

I fully recognise that many of us are tied to responsibilities where we must consider others’ needs. But even then, there are always possibilities for smaller changes and adjustments, step by step, towards the situation we desire. However, it’s valuable to learn how to discern the true source of our fears - who really owns them. Are they truly our deepest convictions, or something we were conditioned into or inherited - from our parents or maybe the ancestral linage? Also be aware when people project their own fears onto you - mostly hidden behind the good intention to protect you. We all carry fears, but they are different and individual. Your fears are not necessarily mine, so don’t push them onto me. And remember: most of what we worry about will never happen. It is such a waste of time and energy to be caught in fear mode.

Finally, I would like to describe what I have learned to recognise as the trap of “false satisfaction.” It´s the state where we force ourselves to feel content for the sake of decency. Who are you to complain about your life when you have success at work, earn good money, live in a beautiful home, have a loving partner, wonderful children, and many friends? If you want something more or different, you may feel guilty. But this can also become an inner excuse - proving to ourselves that despite the nagging feeling, we don’t need to make any changes that might challenge us and bring up fears. Don’t fall into that trap, life is to short for that.

Whatever changes are on your horizon - small or big, inner or outer - listen to what your inner voice is telling you and don’t sweep it under the rug. Define the situation for yourself and identify the fears involved. Keep the vision alive and be brave, taking one step at a time toward your desired outcome. Also remember: there is almost always a way back - not exactly to the same place, but to a similar situation. And don’t let fear stop you - least of all other people’s fears.

Is there something in your current situation that is urging you to make a change?

Is your motivation driven by pain or pleasure?

Which fears are preventing you from taking a step - and are they really yours?

Have you also experienced “moments of truth”? What did they tell you?

With Courage,

Agneta